1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
