I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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