I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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