I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
