I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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