dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
last night I used snow as a chaser
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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