what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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