I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
