I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
