i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
