Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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