No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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