hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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