why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
