I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
