on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
