she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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