i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
as a side note pls kill me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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