Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
