Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
