Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
