U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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