My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
