And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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