hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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