is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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