What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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