i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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