just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
