if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
