Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
