you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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