Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
