Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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