I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
