Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need water and some morals
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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