Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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