Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
