recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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