WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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