mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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