Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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