um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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