it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
