I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
