Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
