I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
