Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
