just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
