if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
