party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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